Katrina Andrews, Laketon State University Sophmore
I was not born to be loved. It just wasn’t meant to be. I don’t know what’s wrong with me or what God put me in this position for. I constantly fail at my relationships. Men always seem to walk out on me. I guess it’s because my Dad was never around. He made promises he never kept. He wasn’t around to tell me how beautiful I was. How important I was to him. How I was his baby girl. No, just broken promises.
I always wanted what my friends had. It’s always this big thing that a lot of black families don’t have positive male role models but I never saw it. All my friends had active men in their lives that seemed to care about them. It might not have been there biological father but an uncle or step dad that came through for them. I didn’t have that luxury. My mother wasn’t close to any of her brothers. I hated my stepfather. He used to always grab my mother and hit her. She never fought back. I guess she was tired of fighting. That’s how I feel. I’m defeated.
I never understood why my mother put up with my stepfather hitting her. I didn’t understand why she would never retaliate and show her that she wasn’t the one to mess with. I understand now though. Even through what she was going through, being with someone was better being with no one. It hurts being alone some nights. Sometimes I just want to cuddle in the arms of someone. I want to their his warm leg on mine. I want to feel a strong arm hold me by my waist, causing me to look up and see a handsome man peacefully sleeping beside me. I smile at the thought. I had it. Maybe I never did.
I broke up with my boyfriend Duncan a few weeks ago. I found out he was cheating on me. I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t understand how he couldn’t want me. I made sure he was straight in every way imaginable. I cooked, cleaned and made sure all his needs were met. We had sex on the regular and I wanted it. I was even the one that initiated it. Maybe he just became bored of me.
I know I’m sexy but I don’t feel beautiful. It’s hard to explain. Sure, I have guys that try me up all the time. I have men that literally fall at my feet and act like my personal Uber drivers. They bring me food, they bring me money, they even can provide sex if I need it. They don’t complete me though. It doesn’t make me feel good to be around them. I felt good around Duncan.
Before he cheated on me, I had nothing bad to say about Duncan. He was there for me in my good times and my bad times. I transferred to Laketon State University after the first semester of my freshman year. I saw Duncan on the yard. I think we were by the cafe. He was with his homeboys. They kept staring at me as I walked to the library to print off my class assignment. Normally when I walk by dudes, they always stare but never say anything worth mentioning. Duncan was different.
He said, “Excuse me!”
I turned to him. He smiled and said. “I just want to know your name.”
“My name is Katrina.”
He walked over to me. He towered over me, as I’m only a good 5’3’’. His confidence was just as attractive as he was. Sometimes, a girl knows how far she’ll go with a guy just off of the first encounter. I knew he’d get it all.
The months that followed were like something out of a dream. I finally found my knight in shining armor. He was everything I wanted and more. He comforted me when I was down. He was there for me when I was winning in life. He was my boo. He was my first love and my first heartbreak. I cared about him so much. I invested so much in him. That’s why it hurts so much. I never felt what I felt for him before. I never will either.
I always wondered who he was that he was cheating with. Two weeks before our year anniversary, he met me out on the yard and told me that he was seeing someone else behind my back. My first instinct was to laugh.
I said, “Bae, stop playing around!”
He sighed and shook his head. “I’m not. I wanted to tell you myself before you found out another way. I enjoyed our relationship together but I don’t feel the same way about you anymore.”
I could’ve died right there in front of him. He ripped my heart out of my chest. I was nothing but good to him. I just didn’t understand. Another man walked out of my life. Maybe it was me. I saw the girl he was cheating on me with. We could go for sisters. It obviously has to be me. It’s because I can’t be loved.
So, I’m done.